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I have a lot of concerts coming up.

I’m not complaining – just stating a fact. I have to have a lot of notes in my head and under my fingers. I start nearly every morning, sitting at the cello, playing before the sun comes up. And I have sometimes less than an hour to practise as efficiently as I can.

Sometimes I have longer, but most days I feel like I have to be so very clever with what I’m doing and waste no time at all. Not one drop of it.

And right now things are really busy. I’m struggling to get everything done. I have been let down by a few people, and it leaves a really nasty taste in my mouth. And the last thing I want to do is sit at the bloody cello. I want to sleep, or dig in the garden, or drink tea, or do some yoga or do a hundred OTHER things.

And yet I do it. I put bow to string and work.

When you next go up to a musician and say ‘It must be so lovely to do something that you love…’, or look at them in a concert, remember this post (if anyone reads these things!). Remember that just as you don’t want to do things, so do we.

And often, it’s practising.

I don’t love it all the time. A lot of the time, yes. But not every day.

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I have had a few strange things happen to me over the last month or so, and I’ve realised what has happened. Egos have got in the way.

Being a performer is a funny thing. You see, you walk onto some kind of ‘stage’ and you have to believe that what you are about to say (musically, or otherwise) is worth other people paying to listen to. It takes a fair amount of self-belief and self-confidence. And then people clap, and congratulate you, and want to talk to you, and so for a small amount of time, you feel very loved, and validated, and important.

And then everyone goes away. And you are just normal-old-you again.

As a concert organiser, sometimes you have to be really firm about what you will do, and remind people that you won’t teach-as-well-for-nothing, or perform-for-their-worthy-cause-for-nothing-because-you-have-to-pay-the-rent, and I think sometimes I am perceived as a bit of a problem.

So where does a I’m-just-trying-to-make-a-living stop and now-I’m-actually-being-a-prick start?

You see, I think sometimes performers forget that people don’t always love them, and their way is not always right, and what comes out of their mouth is not always the most important thing to listen to right now (actually, come to think of it, I know a few ex-principals who are like that too…).

In Timor there is a great saying – ‘We all need to eat the same sort of rice.’ I like it. I also like that the kids I teach remind me that they don’t give two hoots who I am on the weekend, and how many people I’ve played to. They just want a good music lesson.

But I seem to have stumbled over a few monsters over the last few weeks. I hope that I am not like that to others. It’s a good lesson to learn for me…..

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I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday – someone who I respect a great deal. She’s an artist, and when you walk into her house, it’s like walking into an art gallery. The walls of her converted warehouse are full of art (both hers and other people’s) and the house is a riot of colour, candles, books, records (yes – records) and a contented cat. I love the place.

I also love her, and her husband. They are both quite wacky, and choose to live slightly differently from society. Not hugely, but just a bit.

And I like this  lot. I find it refreshing, and inspiring.

It’s hard, as a ‘creative’, to know how to fit in. Do you completely shun normality? Or do you live with normalness on your own terms?

And then I take this line of thinking and hold it up to my cello playing.

Do I play this in the way it’s always been played? If I do what’s the point of playing it again? Some people would say ‘Oh, but you’ll play it slightly differently to insert name of musician here, because you are a different person’. Possibly right. But is that enough? And if I choose to play it differently, when does playing it differently just become artistic onanism, or disrespectful to the composer? Am I playing it differently just for the sake of doing just that?

The classical music word is full of tradition. Sometimes I find it stifling. Actually, a lot of the time, I find it stifling. It takes courage and a lot of strength to walk down a slightly different path. One needs very thick skin, and very broad shoulders. And bloodymindedness. Someone I loved once said to me ‘ Break as many rules as you can, but don’t hurt anyone. And if you get caught, own up immediately.’

But back to my friend (remember her? She’s from the start of this post…). She said to me yesterday ‘I was re-listening to the CD of yours with the accordion yesterday. You know why I like it so much? It’s completely different from anything else we own. And that’s why I’ll keep listening to it.’

I had a crappy day yesterday, full of frustrations and a faulty hard-drive. But that comment made my day.

Note to self – keep breaking rules. Just don’t hurt anyone else.

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No…. it’s not what you think. I am not writing about Schubert, Mozart, Beethoven or Schumann (or any others on that long list…).

I am totally fine talking to audiences. I think it started when I used to busk in Covent Garden, years ago. Also, I stand up in front of groups of children of varying sizes a number of times a week. So talking in public is quite ok (I have nightmares about other things, but not speaking in public).

I start every concert with a list of things to say – turn off mobile phones (why this needs to be said, I don’t understand, but there we are. Why don’t people just turn these damn things off more?), please don’t unwrap sweets, if you are in my line of sight please don’t fan yourself – and I’ve added a new one.

There are no real rules about clapping.

So many people seem to be worried about this. And this sentence seems to give them permission to just relax. I feel a collective sigh of relief from any audience I have said this in front of. The tension seems to disappear. Why did Classical music concerts get so stuffy? No performer I know really minds if people clap – or not.

I would rather you came to a concert, and clapped when you wanted (as long as I wasn’t playing), and really enjoyed yourself, rather than not come because you were worried about this.

So to anyone who is reading this, who worries about clapping – I apologise. I apologise on behalf of the classical musical establishment who has made you worried about this issue. We are stuffy, us musos. Pay us no attention. Clap when you please, as long as no-one is bowing, blowing, hitting, strumming or singing.

This music is meant to be enjoyed.

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The other day I was out with someone who said to me “You haven’t blogged for ages!”. I didn’t realise that anyone actually read these posts, but I’ll try and write more regularly. (OK – I’ll admit it. It was my mother. She’s probably the only person who reads this. Mum, I’m doing what you told me to do. What a good daughter….. well, sometimes.)

So – what’s been happening? Well, 2016 is a different year for me. I spent January recording a CD with my dear friend, former teacher and one of my favourite musicians to work with, David Pereira. We were in the middle of rural NSW, in the middle of a heat-wave. I hate recording – I find it really stressful, but actually, it wasn’t too bad. We had a grant from the Australia Council to cover most of it, so the financial pressure was off. I knew the music inside-out. The space was quirky and quiet and anything else that starts with ‘Q’. And David was lovely to record with. I’ve since heard a track as it’s been edited. Actually, it sounds really beautiful. I’m quietly excited…

I’m in two schools regularly teaching. One is in inner-Sydney. The kids are tough. The staff are incredible. And I love it. And another school I go to is in western NSW. The kids are easier – although tremendously excited every time I’m there (some of them have been known to tremble at the start of a music lesson – not from fear either!). And I love those staff too – they are also fabulous. I was in another school last year, but after a long time there, I moved on. Now, looking back, it was the right thing to do for so many reasons.

And I have lots of concerts coming up – and some really exciting things in the pipeline. The regular ‘Bach in the Dark’ concerts. Some special events at various places that haven’t quite fallen into place. But the performing year is shaping up to be a good one!

But the best thing about 2016? Well, there are two things that excite me enormously at the moment. One is my soda stream. I have ALL the soda water I want. For not-much-money-at-all. How good it that? The other is a particularly fabulous pair of flares. Crochet. Oh yes. They are excellent.

So…. Mum – I’ve blogged. And anyone else who has got this far. I’ll do it more – well, that’s the plan.Now off to fill up my glass with fizzy water.